You could skip this, but if you’d like some context, go ahead. “this is my story: i’ll be vague; i was 5. that’s like 2002-ish, 2003? whatever started around those years, perhaps in between, my mother and my father’s fights being so severe that often times my aunt would drive me and my 1 year old brother out of the house. my mother cheated some months before and my father kept her around the house despite their rising, petty disagreements. 8 months later they filed for divorce and she vanished.

1 and a half-year later my father fell in love with his coworker, they got married after 2 years, stole our last name and i got used to having her around. she was chill, not exactly a mothering type but at least she got my dad to loosen up. they often went out for weekend-long vacations as i was tasked with the duty of early parenting, if you will. baby sitting my brother and god was he a pain in the ass but i endured. potty training? fuck that shit, little bug should’ve learned it by then. didn’t know how to cook, really, was expecting my aunt to appear out of nowhere but she moved to fort laud months after my father’s remarriage. we feasted off of leftovers, junk food, and whatever was out of arms reach in the pantry. i got fat.

i remember in 1st grade, stole a little boy’s nintendo ds. the next day at school he was looking for it, kept asking the teacher and he later bumped into me chillin by the big oak tree at recess, his nintendo in my hands and i played it cool. little homie never had a nametag or a sticker to indicate that it was his, so i lied and said i have one that looked exactly like his. that’s how we became friends. months later were hanging out in his basement, he pulled out a vintage porn magazine from the 1970s, said his dad kept these in his old college box of mementos and we skimmed through it. since then, it fascinated me. the act of sex themselves did not fascinate me, but rather, the human body. human experimentation, sexuality. seeing my face my friend grinned at me, said something like, ‘if you like it so much, we’d have to try it out sometime.’

the next day i knocked on his door, was like buddy you have more magazines to spare? he looked me in the eyes, his stare unwavering, sad, even. he was no longer allowed to speak to me.

all these people passing by in my life like a blur and i’ve picked up so many friends. i grew up in and around the church. my upbringing as a devout christian, however, rarely influenced my sexual character. i grew up with manly kids, sports-lovers, miniature frat boys and we stuck together for a while. to this day i continue to talk to some of them. as we grew, the appeal of girls were being shoved into my face. i wasn’t as attracted to females as my friends were but i never questioned it. i never spoke out about it. i was young, after all. skip to the beginning of 8th grade. i met the first most likely the last girl to have ever caught my eye(: she was the daughter of my new dentist (we switched because our last one didn’t support my family’s dental insurance), he introduced her to me when he found out we went to the same school. we became quite attached. i always came to her for everything, for advice, to rant, for emotional and physical comfort because she felt like my wiser, other half. February 16th i walked up to her after months of awkwardly courting her and asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. she said yes. i fucking love her.

still hanging out with my elementary squad when i was exposed to the wonders of marijuana and alcohol. same school year, a month after i asked my girl out, and i never told her about it. i recall telling this story during my church testimony which feels like a while back. the year i lost a lot of people, hanging out with the wrong crowd. my friends and i spent one saturday night being up to no good, as per usual. anonymous tip line called and the police were suddenly crowding my buddy’s house like a flock of birds. we were charged with minor possession, handcuffed, and stuffed in the back of a police car with white faces. “who knew? that semi-privileged religious boy, friends with a couple of good-for-nothing junkies at the age of thirteen?”

i was a bully during freshman year. i picked on the most vulnerable people. a hurricane of hatred and hell on legs. still hanging out with the likes of me, and they loved me. i thought i was important. i was the most arrogant, useless piece of shit to have ever walked into the halls of my school. i lost a lot of weight, regaining self-confidence, becoming conceited. in my pride i pressured a beautiful girl to commit suicide. ‘i could get away with anything. i have friends to back me up. i’m smart and my parents find me perfect.’ by december, i got caught smoking marijuana by myself. by my step-mother. and she beat me because i deserved it.

i learned my lesson and stopped talking to a lot of my childhood friends. it was a new change and for the first time in years, i felt positive, for a good reason, at least. i joined debate club and anime club at school, wrestling, made new friends. i became a better, happier, bubblier person. i felt confident enough to come out as bisexual to my loved ones and they accepted me. i feel like a part of something now, and to this day it makes me happy.”

I wrote that about a year ago, April 2014. Found that old Word document in my computer, reread it and it seriously made my day. Throwback to a much happier time, after all that shit. It’s 2015 now, like four months to a new start. I’m gonna be a senior in less than a week.

This year: *I started questioning my sexuality *Almost got my ex-girlfriend knocked up in May. I broke up with her around June, because she moved to another state. I hate long distance relationships. She was my first girlfriend, took my virginity, taught me some Spanish, accepted me during freshman year and changed me as a person. It was a pain letting go of these memories. *Got beat up by my father for the first time. He was drunk and angry. Was too much of a pussy to hit back. I was rendered helpless. I got kicked out of the house temporarily until he apologized and took me back in. *I met a boy on some stupid online game in April. The gayest, most mentally broken person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He had a less harsh but similar upbringing to mine, and we’ve really connected ever since. He’s like, reluctant to trust because of the people who have hurt him in the past. ENTJ. His ex (one of my internet friends; I introduced them) died, and for him, that was his breaking point. I stuck around despite him pushing me away because every time I left he was begging me to come back. I helped him. Right after I broke up with my ex, we fell in love. We dated for some time before I suggested a split because, like I said before, I dislike long distance. And we fought. And dated. And broke up. And went back together. And fought. And dated. And now? I don’t know what we are. I still love him. I’m afraid of talking to him now. Am I leading him on? I’m just not a good candidate for a long distance boyfriend. *My step-mother caught us sexting and banned me from talking to him. Three months ago. *My aunt died last month. Suicide. *I’m spiraling into depression. Attempted suicide by overdose. Was sent to the hospital and hey! Lookie here. Still alive. The vast majority of suicides by OD’s never really succeed anyway. *I got caught with the possession of 0.5 grams of marijuana immediately after my aunt’s funeral. *Ever since then, I’ve been undergoing the verbal belittlement of my step-mother. Dad doesn’t do shit about it. *I’m gay. I’ve confessed to six people. *My step-mother was recently fired from her job. I have to find a job this school year or I’m fucked. I found out my family is moving to Fort Lauderdale after I graduate. *My 13 year-old brother confessed to being abused by my step-mother. Verbally and physically. While my father watches. There may even be sexual abuse involved, God forbid. My neighbors have contacted Child Protective Services, in which they will set up an investigation this Saturday. *If my parents are proven unfit to care for us, then I’ll have to consider my trip on September cancelled. I won’t get to meet my boyfriend this year. Boyfriend-ish.

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and sad and pathetic. They say if life’s bad now, you’re only feeling the tip of its dick. I’m gay tho. I say bring it on.